As I blared “Cool About It” by Boy Genius in my childhood bathroom, I contemplated every era I had been in for the past two years. I questioned the borderline-concerning scenarios I romanticized for little to no reason. I’m unsure if being out of a city for less than a year gives me the right to name-drop and insinuate stories about people I will most likely cross paths with again… so I won’t name-drop. The beauty about reading about someone else’s life experiences is that no matter what you think you know, the full story is up to your (more realistically my) discretion, which, in my opinion makes light-hearted stories and storytelling like this more enjoyable for me to write as the author and hopefully more entertaining for you to read.
To put it briefly, I feel like I’ve lived 10 different lives over the past year. The first few months of 2023 leading into 2024, feeding into my delusions with boys that I thought fit the blueprint of what I wanted, romanticizing disgusting frat-esc houses because I thought that my friends and I were going to find that “two best friends dating two best friends” lifestyle (pro-tip: frat-esc houses are never the right places to look). Looking back comprehending that most of my university memories can be translated to straight chaos yet now, making the best stories, I question if at times I was fun and spontaneous with my decisions or just straight up manic. Perhaps often portraying that crazy girl that you just nod your head and smile at while she tells you a story. While reliving in my head the things that brought me so much anxiety at the time, or in cases where I thought I was overreacting, I look back now and contemplate how things like that actually happened. My friends and I always joked about the “of course that would happen to you” mindset when something questionable occurred in my life, which always seemed to fit.
Now, when questioning if I was “manic”, let’s use that word very lightly. I can’t hide that I am a dramatic writer. While reminiscing on moments that frankly left me contemplating my life, I feel it allows me to reflect and get some perspective. Perhaps the spontaneous/manic ideas and actions that lead me to restart completely must be happening for a reason, or that’s what I’m telling myself, at least. I’ve learned that spontaneous tendencies should lead you to do things that positively affect you in the long run. They push you to do things out of your comfort zone that aren’t detrimental to your character or well-being. For example, going up to talk to that one person at the bar who piques your interest or deciding to go out on your third night in a row. It won’t affect your character or your well-being for having harmless conversations or two have an extra night out. Still, it’s what is said during the conversations and during that random night out, and what occurs after that at times leads you to make rash and manic decisions.
Manic tendencies include talking to someone who piques your interest when, in all honesty, you should either be going home, leaving the person alone because you know they’re bad for you or going to the bathroom to puke. These tendencies may lead to a decision after the conversation that should’ve just remained a conversation or sending risky and unconventional texts that you will regret. We’re all guilty, and it’s okay to not be perfect all the time. Sometimes, life's a mess, it happens. But it’s all about the self-reflection and mental recovery you allow yourself to endure after you’ve taken it a little too far the night before. Perhaps maturing into spontaneous tendencies is realizing it’s not cute to “not care” about your behaviour. If you can’t realize it yourself, I hope you’re lucky enough to have friends who will hold you accountable. Growing up is understanding that there comes a point where your friends should come in and either hype you up on a job well done in your spontaneity or take you out of your misery during the manic conversation that is giving me hang-xiety just thinking about it.
Friends, good and bad, help you go through your most fun and memorable spontaneous adventures or drag you down to make more manic choices that you both know aren’t a good idea in the long run. But with that being said, it’s you that comes down to differentiate the borderline crazy girl from the girl who’s just looking to put herself out there. Finding a balance between those different categories isn’t always easy when surrounded by bad friends or a bar scene. But, as I get older I've found that I get into less regret-filled situations that leave me waking up from the night before questioning my life. No one has this mastered (myself included), but improvement is key! Ultimately, I think it’s reasonable to have a few years in your life where you’re messy, doing things you shouldn’t be doing, but most importantly, growing and learning from them. So, I guess being “manic” and having those tendencies is inevitable, to say the least. I like to see it as a phase that pushes you to move on and move forward, or in my case, move to England…
Talk soon,
Gracee
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