As I am sure every girl in their late teens and early twenties has heard extra loud, our childhood lost a little piece recently. While hearing the news of the passing of someone who I idolized, strangely, this has had a larger effect on myself and girls everywhere than I would've imagined. Perhaps because, in reality, it's bigger than what some may perceive it to be. It's more than just grief over a person but rather grief over some of our fondest memories.
My sister was the biggest One Direction fan. She had the fan account, knew all of the boy's birthdays, knew every album's release date, the whole 9 yards. I remember her trying so hard to get me to listen to their music when I was younger. She even got my Dad in on it, learning the names of the boys while he butchered the lyrics of popular radio songs of theirs when they would come on in the car. It was pure innocence. They were our very first concert. Going to Detroit, Michigan, with a new bright colour of elastics in my braces to match the purple in my band t-shirt, I was on cloud nine. It felt like magic getting ready in the hotel, getting my Mom to crimp my hair and put it in a half up half down hairstyle perfectly because I was definitely that girl who thought that if one of the boys saw me in the audience, they would fall in love with me. Nothing was better than bonding over something as wholesome and pure as a family-centred boy band. It was a 'family show,' as I remember Harry saying clear as day when the show started. Looking back now, it feels like I didn't appreciate those special, monumental moments as much as I do now, which gives me a subtle hint that perhaps I may be grieving my childhood.
Grief, in general, is something that I don't think anyone will ever know how to truly deal with. Whether it's the grief of memory, the grief of a loved one, or even grief of someone you never knew but the grief of how they made you feel. It's arguably one of the most gut-wrenching and underrated emotions that I feel have been all too recurring while morphing into adulthood. Knowing you will never get to experience the love, feelings or make the same memories you had attached to what you are losing is something incomprehensible. When I lose someone or something, the first thing I turn to especially is reminiscing the goodness that feeling or person had brought to me. Grieving first experiences sucks. First boyfriends, first memories of a moment you won't get again, first loss of someone you love, they all take different levels of emotions to handle, yet somehow hurt equally as bad in their own way. Something about your first loss of something makes it feel that much worse.
One Direction was the first 'big kid' thing my sister and I bonded over. I stopped being the annoying little sister and had finally graduated to the point in our relationship where she would talk to me about boys. I wasn't even the biggest fan of them, but what made it so special was that she wanted to share something with me. And having an older sister who resented sharing, this was huge. They were the first boys I didn't think were gross - and that's a monumental moment in a girl's life, let me tell you. Whether it's a boy band member, your fondest memories, or the first feelings you had when Harry started growing out his hair, every girl has had their own unique version of coming into girlhood.
As my Uncle shouted through the phone during the call I had with my family sharing the devastating news, in true Uncle fashion, he said, 'Hunny, that's how we felt about Michael Jackson'. While comparing an English boy band to Michael Jackson may feel like a stretch to some, it's less about an argument of talent and more about their impact on people while bringing out extraordinary levels of emotion for doing something as simple as singing. While dramatic, it's true. For my Gam, it was The Beatles and Elvis; for my Mom, it was Menudo and New Kids on the Block; and for my sister and I, it was One Direction. While some may think it's tacky listing groups of the same type of men that women have fawned over for generations, rather than using it as a 1950s reference symbolizing sexism, in a less serious and more lighthearted sense, to me, these men unleashed some of the prime feelings that arise when entering girlhood. Dare I say, moving on from Barbies to boys. While not the switch that every Dad wishes, growing up and finding yourself feeling things that make you so happy you get emotional seems like a fair trade.
While the fair trade lasts for a few years, you drift apart from things that kickstarted your life and your emotions. You start to forget every lyric to the music video you once knew by heart, and you trade your begging for the CD copy of your artist's favourite album into begging your parents to grab you a coffee before you go to work at your 9-5. Life gets a little dull at times when you don't have things to fantasize about. Happily, I'm here to break the news that one day it'll all come back.
The feelings you felt in your early years of girlhood sparked by a group of 5 teen boys in skinny jeans returns, yet this time in a sense of gratitude. Gratitude that you grew up waiting for the VEVO music video to drop on YouTube of your favourite band, while finding the perfect song to dance to on VideoStar during a playdate with your school friend. Girlhood, for me, didn't start at a Sephora like girls today, picking out a costly skincare routine. It started with One Direction. And, now that I've grown up, and as of recent events, I've only now realized that grief of something you once loved can only turn into gratitude for the happiness it once brought to you. So, add those songs back to your playlist and reminisce on how you felt when you were young because your greatest childhood memories will come back into your life in ways that you wouldn't necessarily choose or expect, but at a time exactly when you need it.
Talk soon,
Gracee
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