I'm the type of person who is constantly thinking ahead. Whether that's planning what I'm going to eat for dinner as soon as I wake up, placing orders to curate outfits for concerts six months in advance, or calculating where I'll live and with whom three years from now. It's really a never-ending cycle in my brain that has me constantly contemplating that if I just did this one thing, would I be happier, or would my grass be greener than where I currently am? As many of us overachiever - type A personality folk fail to realize, no matter how far ahead you think you can plan, the universe will look at the life you've attempted to construct, laugh and throw you a few curve balls in an attempt to see how much you can really handle before you crash out. I remember thinking when I was studying at Laurier that I was at my peak both socially and physically (perhaps not emotionally) that when things didn't work out, it didn't REALLY matter because I convinced myself that when I got to where I am now in England, I'd have it all figured out. While I definitely have evolved, I look back at little me in first year wishing I could tell her so many things. A girl obsessed with the boys who rarely reciprocated interest, prioritizing validation from others, all while ultimately having to take a Summer course that year to work my way up to where I needed to be academically after abusing my first official year of no curfew, never turning down a reason to go out. I wish I could go back to tell her to slow down, enjoy, let go of her expectations, and frankly to stop folding her jeans - evolution comes in all aspects.
I'd say it's common for most people to be absorbed by these three life courses the most: relationship status, physical appearance, and career path. I'd say for me, life right now is great, no complaints that aren';t champagne problems, and no major events that should be leading me to feel any sort of anxiety. However, I've always had this complex in the back of my mind that when life gets a little too good there MUST be something monumental coming in the future to knock some sense into me in a way. While I realize this is an extremely toxic way of thinking, in years prior, I have found that life has just worked out that way to make me believe this ridiculous ideology. I'm trying to reclaim my mindset to be content with where it's at right now - the good, the uncertain and sometimes the ugly.
As I like to think most single girls do, I go days wondering when the perfect person will come into my life, often talking about my ideals to my friends, with their response usually being, 'It'll come when you least expect it.' After what I just expressed about my time machine-esc brain, one can imagine how this phrase takes up zero space in my brain. Life for me and many others for so long as been about what to expect next and the next step.
I think the issue for me is that I'm always expecting. Expecting to meet someone once and have a rom-com love story, expecting to wake up every day feeling motivated, and expecting others to share the same morals and values as me to assist in making my grass greener. One of the most fulfilling things I have realized is that nothing or no one, for that matter, is guaranteed to show up for you, no matter how hard you project it to happen. While manifesting is a fun hobby and God, how I've overdone it, the best thing you can do is just let life run its course and, as cheesy as it sounds, understand that what's meant to find you will eventually find its way to you. Your late teens and twenties are the years to focus on making yourself your version of its perfect form, so when opportunities approach you, there is no mental hesitation, and you feel ready to accept what's sent to you with open arms and a positive - yet realistic mind.
Your younger self dreamed of living the life you do now, and it's important to give yourself credit when it's due! While you may not have found the person who compliments you best romantically, you have friends who have shown you the true feeling of what it means to be loved. While you may not be feeling your most confident self in your body all the time, you remember all your body has helped you accomplish whether that's workout classes with friends, walking to your dream school everyday, or just sitting in bed drinking your nighttime tea allowing yourself to feel relaxed. There's no place you're supposed to be, whether you like to believe it or not. While yes, it's taken me a while to understand that, rather than being disappointed in the life courses I haven't mastered yet, or letting myself get down for not feeling 'up to par' with where some people around me may be at, I've certainly mastered the art of appreciation and gratitude.
Gratitude that I'm able to push myself academically while still finding time to do things that fuel me creatively. Gratitude that I have friends in all different phases of their lives that allow me to experience life from all different perspectives. And frankly, gratitude for the people that came into my life that helped me learn that what I thought I wanted really wasn't for me at all. The mistakes and menaces placed in your life are meant to find you for a reason. Not for you to flee in search for a place with fonder fields but instead to appreciate the perfectly green grass right in front of you waiting to flourish... most importantly using the shit life hands you as fertilizer.
Talk soon,
Gracee
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