Today, I spent my night aimlessly scrolling through TikTok, as one does. I had a day of contemplation, hesitation and annoying self-depreciation. I questioned today if I was making the right decisions moving forward in my life. With school, leaving behind my friends, and asking myself if I still had the fiery, passionate personality I thought I had before. It felt weird having all of these emotions coming at me at once. I often feel
like I get in this rut that leaves me needing the answers to all life’s questions. I came across this quote while still scrolling and contemplating in my bed. “You’re not lost, you’re just 20” - an ode to a twenty-something girl. It went on to say that our twenties are not supposed to be the years we have everything figured out; they’re the years you find the pieces to your puzzle. With that, I took my hesitation as a sign to start appreciating the pieces I have found, while leaving room to search for what I was missing.
Recently, I feel like I’ve had this scary “am I cut out for this feeling”. Hesitation has always been the thing that has pushed me to want to succeed and honestly obsess over excelling. Often fixating on success rather than just enjoying life and being, dare I say - mediocre. But what I’ve genuinely learned about being obsessed with success and, honestly, most aspects of life is that if you search for it, it’s probably not going to hit you in the face as quickly as you think it is. I’ve found that true happiness for me has come with going with the flow, living in what I like to call "reasonable chaos" and letting go of my overachieving expectations of myself, that hurt me rather than serve me. Still, at times, wondering if I am good enough, then talking myself off of the ledge remembering that nothing is as severe as I make it out to be. The beauty of life, especially your twenties, to me is just being. Being so immersed in living your life to its full potential that nothing affects you or is as serious as you are fabricating it to be in your head. Booking flights to see your friends, because money always comes back. Prioritizing birthdays because you’re lucky enough to celebrate growing old with people from your childhood. And, going out that extra night travelling city to city just because you can. Twenties are learning that life’s too short to contemplate and hesitate your actions instead of just doing it.
I'm taking the opportunity to rage-write this blog because I'm learning to find value in sharing moments of weakness. I have moments of doubt and hesitation like everyone, but something I never want to have is regret. Regret that I never started something I was passionate about, even with fear of it failing. Regret from missing an opportunity that could lead me to bigger and better things. And overall, just prioritizing not looking at life too intensely. At the end of the day, there's power in hesitating and contemplating where you're at in your life. But always remembering that no matter how much you question, you're never truly lost; you're just in your twenties & all of the pieces you're missing will fall in place eventually.
Talk soon,
Gracee
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